20 February 2005

[meme] Saturday Slant: If I Were Paris Hilton

This week's Saturday Slant is a very provocative one for me, for it finds me, as Mark Maron would say, in a "bad head". Here it is:
That’s it. No exposition this time because I don’t want to bias your response. If you were Paris Hilton…what?

Heh. There is a particularly toxic effect that bad celebrity has on my attitude. Paris Hilton, to me, is the current exemplar of the worst of modern Bad Celebrity. Aside from flash and face, she contributes nothing to the world that I coudn't live without.

If I were Paris Hilton?

[imaginary Paris]

I'd put some more clothes on, for a start. My clothing and style epitomize the worst of "Woman as Dumb Object". What the hell was I thinking?

Next, you'd see a lot less of me in publlc. Who needs that much? I want to hang it up before I move from "it" girl to simply "it". Geez.

Next, I'd put the damn Chihuaua down. Did you know that because of what I've been doing, more and more people are using these little inbred animals as accessories? Isn't the doggie worth more than just a skirt or scarf or handbag? That's verging on inhuamane, is what it is.

And, as far as that wealth thing goes, I'd stop flaunting it so much. Take two of my handbags and you've paid for six months mortgage on some poor out-of-work schmoe in Ohio's mortgage. Hell, maybe I'd send'm the cash pay it. I could auction 'em off on eBay. That'd go over big...donno if you all have notice, but there's scads of people around these days who'll buy cast off celebrity crap.

I mean, don't get me wrong...I wouldn't make myself a poor person. I'd keep enough to live on, comfortably. I mean, it's not where I got it, but what I'm doing with it that's such an embarrasment.

Although I would donate a little of my time to something that I'm not gonna get paid for. I mean, people who have a lot less cash than me do it without being asked and it looks like it makes them feel better inside than I look on the outside.

Oh, and one other thing. The Simple Life? I am deeply, deeply sorry. What a pointless waste of your time. Switch over to PBS or something, 'k? Those reality shows are going to rot your brain and keep on confusing you about what it means to be a person. I mean, look at the mess it's made out of me.

It should go without saying that that goes double for that...ahem...sex...tape. So, once again, to summarize, I'm sorry about the disco dance I've been doing all over good taste, culture, the concept of value versus price, and male-female relations.

I'm out!

[/imaginary Paris]

There. I've said it. I feel better.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

That's hot!

--Pariah (who couldn't remember his damned Blogger username and password)

Anonymous said...

That's hot!

--Pariah (who couldn't remember his damned Blogger username and password)

Anonymous said...

That's hot!

--Pariah (who couldn't remember his damned Blogger username and password)

Pariah S. Burke said...

That's hot!

--Pariah (who couldn't remember his damned Blogger username and password)

Samuel John Klein Portlandiensis said...

Well, I do declare, you've solve the followup problem somehow.... B-)