15 June 2010

[net liff] How To Be A Very Popular Blogger In Several Steps, Or Die Trying

I have declared it to be sarcasm day on this blog, and this next post is written with that accord.

Having been blogging since 2004, and now having almost 2500 posts under my belt and up to one (sometimes two) regular readers, I find that people on the street ask me "Sam, to what do you attribute your success?"

I then answer in slow, complete sentences while calling for help on my cell phone (TracFone, yo, it's the future).

One day, after watching one of my admirers being led away under sedation, I asked myself, "Self," (I asked myself), "just how is it your blog can reach the heights of popularity, attracting sometimes tens of readers a day and a loyal following of at least several square blocks?".

And then I reminded myself, my name's Sam, not Self.

But still, it's a good question. Being so cool people don't know I'm cool takes three things: finesse, strategy, and a third thing I forget. But it also takes a blog! And if you want to know how to be uberpopular, like me, there are a few things you must, absolutely, in order and in toto do. Now, I'll be honest here: you have to do them all, preferably simultaneously, and in a public place if possible. If you leave out just one step ... and I can't emphasize this strongly enough ... they'll come and take away your blogging card, and you'll die alone and neglected. However, if you're reading something like this, then you're already alone and neglected, so no change there really.

Ready? Too bad. Here we go.

1. Be Yourself.

You, my friend, are a special and unique flower, and a child of the universe, and everyone is special to everyone else. And, sure, you're going to look like a bunch of characters on a backlit screen to someone, but your specialness will shine through the 1's and 0's.

2. Be All Things To All People

The average internet user doesn't like too many surprises and too much diversity. Broadening your appeal is the surest way to appeal to as many people as you can. So what if you're not a 14 year-old girl who loves Miley Cyrus and plays Yu-Gi-Oh cards? If you come off like someone who might be, you've won the battle right there.

3. Write Narrowly on a Subject You're Expert In

Let's face it, people respect experts. Doesn't matter what it is, they adore passion and love a learned person. You know everything worth knowing about Tuvan throat-singers? Blog away! Before you know it, links will flock in from all over and Google AdSense will be your beeyotch.

4. Write Broadly On Things Of General Interest

Experts are fine, but sometimes they can be real elite snobs. Who needs to be reading that all day. If your interests are a mile wide and a molecule deep, speak on whatever trips your light fantastic! Your readers need to understand that you won't let a lack of knowledge stay your courage to tackle amazingly abstruse concepts! Just read up on Wikipedia, and blog away!

5. Be Safe and Comfortable To Others

They used to have a saying: "Nobody ever went broke by buying IBM". Similarly, nobody ever lost out by riding with the herd - you hear about thinking outside the box all the time, how do they know they're outside that box? By all us conventional thinkers inside the box! Remember, the last word in conventional wisdom is wisdom.

6. Be Iconoclastic and Daring - Break Boundaries!

There's a lot of safety in numbers, true, but sometimes it takes a real rebel ... like, say, Carrot Top and comedy ... to move us all forward. Follow the herd if you wish, but don't be afraid of a little intellectual off-roading! Unless you don't have an intellectual 4-wheel drive!

There you have it. Your cut-and-dried, easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy, guide to guaranteed wealth and fawining fans on the intartuebz. Follow all them, and you'll be as one with the Universe ... leave just one out, and you will be damned to a 2400 baud connection in the afterlife. And do them all in order! Unless you're an iconoclast, in which case maybe not!

GUARANTEED TO WORK. Unless they don't of course.

This post will self-destruct in five seconds.

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