It's Not Really That Bad Out Here, I Don't Care What The Sign Says

3930

Just south of SE Washington St, adjacent to Mall 205, the very short couplet that is SE 102nd Ave/SE 103rd Dr merge to form a short diagonal road called SE Cherry Blossom Drive with connections to SE 112th Avenue, Portland Adventist Hospital, SE Market Street and a range of places south, east, and west of there.

I put this in front of you because I noted, on my commute home, that the back of the sign has been creatively edited.

I have a number of issues, here.

The least of which is that the area this opens up into, a little, beige, bland, banal Portland neighborhood called Mill Park (which is my home: I'm a perfect fit!) is about as far away from Hell as can be. It would be, at best, the Gateway to Heck, or maybe the Gateway to Darn, the Portal to Shucky-Darns, or the Access to The Place Where They Ask You About Your Car's Extended Warranty.

Not really a fair cop here.

Another question that comes to mind is that this is actually the side of the sign that thanks you for coming, which really raises the question of whether or not Hell has revoked its formerly one-way policy and is now promoting package tours to make a few extra bucks.

It is that kind of age, after all. And things have gotten tough; after all, just before we out here settled the question of how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, Fabric Depot up and went out of business on us.

It's All Fun And Games Until The Kaiju Show Up

3923

Never doubt the power of Godzilla to hold your place in line and to negotiate payment of the meal bill with the cashier at the burger joint.

Fortunately, the crew at Cruiser's Cafe was pretty cool about it all. Kaiju or human, you still get great, local fast food there. Seriously. Their crinkle-cut fries are flawless.

The Perfectly-Named Moving And Storage Company Doesn't Ex ...

3909

Well, it does now, I guess.

... spotted in the lot of a long-time moving outfit at SE 7th and Woodword. Would I recommend them? LFINO. Last time we moved across town, George W Bush was in office and we did it ourselves (mur-der, let me just tell you).

Would I recommend us? Hell to the no.

Dept Of "I Know That You Think You Understood What I Said, But I Don't Think You Get That What I Said Wasn't What I Meant" Dept.

3770

I understand that it's October and all and that JoAnn's is pitching toward the Halloween crafting crowd, I mean, I get it. 

But, somehow, the text on that sign just isn't communicating to me what I think they think they hoped it would. 

Yes, I suppose they didn't mean that sort of creep, but where's the fun in following that line of logic?

Gender Reveal:1999 - Mistakes Were Made

3758

It was with the best of intentions, but Commander Koenig and Chief Medical Officer Russell of Moonbase Alpha would like to extend sincere apologies. Although the International Lunar Finance Commission could be a bit more grateful that we finally got that putz Simmonds off your hands more or less permanently.

This German Card Game Sponsored By Lake Titicaca and The Planet Uranus

3725A great long time ago, when the Brown Eyed Girl and myself fancied we'd someday visit Germany (let's get real now, yeah?) we'd avail ourselves of German products. There are still several that we like. Few, sadly, have hung around (I miss my Shoko-Kola, let's just say).

But we still do have this. It's a deck of cards for a simple game called Quartett. If you've played Authors, you know how it goes: you can two other chums deal this deck out between you, then you form your hand into melds and start asking each other for the cards you don't have. Once a meld is complete, you lay it down, and the first to run out of cards wins.

This, Verkehrszeichen Quartett, (Road-sign Quartett) is based on German traffic signs. The four cards making up each meld are lined up at the top of the card, a big lush photo of the sign in the middle and a description of what the sign accomplishes auf Deutsch caption it. There are 36 cards total, which divide into 9 melds, which makes it so that nobody can get a tie, or at least that makes it rather difficult.

But, I say, Herr Kartenspieler ... was ist das on der bach side?

"ASS Altenburger indeed" we giggle to our inner grade-schooler as we both enjoy the joke.

Sure, "ass" doesn't necessarily mean the same in English and that seems to be an initialism anyway.

But ... so what? If the whole internet can giggle whenever some space science reporter makes another creaky joke including the name of the seventh planet, then we can laugh at this.

So it goes.

Bonobo Mart Seems Always Out Of Stock

3708Another place we are habitues of, Discounts Plus provides us with much variety, spice 'o' life, and cheap soda pop and the occasional container of Osem kosher croutons and container of Bisto.

But there is one thing that they've never carried, despite what the sign over the window says. See if you can spot it.

If you haven't seen it yet, let's zoom in. Look between the sign that says TOOLS and the one that says TARPS.

That's right. MONKEYS.

And you know what? They're always out of stock. So aggravating.

No Wonder The President's Upset At The Media

3703I mean, it's not easy, given our President's character, to be charitable toward critics. Or anyone, really; this is a man, after all, who makes family members sign NDA's, which brings together family with all the warmth of the necessity of having to hide embarrassing secrets from the public. But, really, shouldn't NBC Washington Staff and Associated Press be reporting, and not pulling down statues?

In closing and in conclusion, let me just say that an indifferent CMS (Democratic Underground, in this case), can write some of the best absurdist flash fiction today.

(NB for those still unclear, no, we know that the statue of Pike was not pulled down by NBC Washintgon Staff and the AP and that the President's hatred of the media is because they see what he's really a-doin')

Swedish Fish: Collect The Entire Set

3702Staffing with Swedish Fish is important. Oh, if your needs are small, I guess you can go with the basic staff, but sometimes you can't just stop at getting the basic Swedish Fish ...

... you have to get them some assistants, too.

Well, Make A Fruitking Choice Already

3671

Such language in a grocery store!

Well, kid, make your fruitking choice already so we can get the fruitking fruit out of here.

Well, at thirty-three cents a piece we can just fruitking get 'em both, can't we. Man, I can see why Mom comes home all bent out of shape.

Russellville PDX, Where We Try Hard

3667

Russelville is kind of a Miss Congeniality of Portland neighborhoods. We're not particularly noteworthy except, really, as Gresham's gateway to Montavilla; we don't have any notable quirks or brands or atmosphere other than the 70/30 Nitrogen/Oxygen that the planet provides at (for now) no extra cost.

But what we have is guts and know-how and gumption. You try hard ... we try harder. I mean, I could have settled for subscribing to New York magazine but I wasn't happy until I was New Yorker. 

Now, you may be proceeding eastbound on Stark at about SE 100th Avenue. If so, turn around; that's a one-way westbound and you're in for a world of hurt, pal. There. Now that you've stopped driving like an asshole, and you're westbound on Stark as PBOT intended, it has occurred to you that your wealth management isn't stangy enough? Now, wealth management is complicated; you're not expected to know what stang is, really, but you are aware that your portfolio isn't keeping up in the stanginess department.

What to do, what to do?!

Well, if you're at 100th and SE Stark, just look up to the left, pal. Your prayers, which you didn't know you were praying until I told you just now, have been answered.

Yes, in Russellville we try everything harder. Living, playing, your nerves ... everything. 

And so it goes.

[pdx_liff] Burgerville Existentialism

3440.

The reader board at the David Douglas Burgerville, which surveys the corner of SE 122nd and Stark, asks an eternal question:

I have obtained BV waffle fries, but do I actually get them? Do I understand everything a tasty Yukon Gold BV waffle fry implies? The subtexts? The meanings.

I can only philosophize for a limited time. I can only get waffle fries while they last.

Which pretty much sums up existentialism for me at this point.

I totally understand Walla Walla sweet onion rings, though. I must go on the record there.

[Out122ndWay] Holy Irony On SE 122nd Avenue

3304.

Sometimes I wonder if the Shepherd's Gate Church isn't trolling.

Spotted by FB friend and RL fellow-Portlander Sarah Gerhardt, the church's reader board is usually seen by me travelling south on 122nd, so I see the north side. I don't travel north on 122 as much so, I missed this:

I shall leave you with only two thoughts:

1) The church, as reported, used to be a strip club.
2) Dudes, phrasing! 

Oh, before it slips my mind, Sarah's online home of publishing and awesome is She Never Slept. It's horrible, in the good way.

[comic] A Bead That Looks Like StupidFox

3301.

I'm fond of rather a few web comics, of course, and today, after visiting A Bead Source, a little farther out SE Division St, she found this little fellow:

He reminds me of this little dude:

That's StupidFox, a little guy who's not too bright in the brain department, but a genius in the heart and soul division.

http://StupidFox.net, for the funny.

[print] It's Always February in Lake Charles, Louisiana

3281.

Circulating on Facebook right now, courtesy of the auspices of one Lelan J. LaBorde, is this following picture:

There is a newspaper in Lake Charles, the Lake Charles American Press, and, apparently, at least one press run of the paper of March 1st, 2016 cheerfully wished Lake Charlesians good morning on a happy Tuesday, February 30th.

Truthfully, the jury's still out on this one. It's too early to say for sure if it's been 'shopped; after all, despite getting to just the edge of virality on Facebook it still hasn't broke through in the news or in trending topics there. As a matter of fact, the comment thread itself has a split of opinion, with more than one reader posting versions of the American Press's front page that say both Feb. 30 and March 1st. The suspect pictures don't seem to have been 'shopped, or if they are … we have a true pro on the job.

Check it out yourself. Here's the FB post: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1263148297034687&set=gm.480900548774338

In the meantime we wish everyone in Lake Charles, LA a happy Wednesday, Feb 31st.

[type] Now, This Is A Bad Sign (#1 In A Possible Series)

2837.Time to inaugurate a new, random, occasional series here in The Times, and I'ma calling it Now, That's A Bad Sign. It's the continuing story of public signage that, but for an inattentive eye, became a silly joke.

Our first semiotic delinquent was found hanging out, taking up space, at the corner of SE 105th Avenue and Stark Street, on the east end of beautiful downtown Russelvillelandia. It was a No-Right Turn sign, because Stark Street is part of the one-way grid stretching from SE 108th Avenue to SE 78th Avenue, where they merge to become Thorburn Street and go over the shoulder of Mount Tabor.

Anywho, I saw what I thought was a sundog and tried to get a picture of it (didn't get a good one) and decided I liked the fresh air so I called The Wife™ on the phone and said "Huns, I'm enjoying it out here, can you come collect me when you come out of the Dollar Tree?"

"Sure," She said. "It should be about five minutes."

Twenty minutes later (don't ask) I began to get bored (there's only so much cultural resonance to the westbound traffic at SE 105th and Stark in Portland), and began to take a close old look at the back of the sign. Now, The CoP puts little stickers on saying when the sign was erected and warning you that if you're thinking of messing with the sign you should find some other hobby maybe, and I took a close look at it. And I read it. And it said this:

Reading is fun-da-mental, boyz and girlz. And this one read thuth:

It is unlawful to remove or detach any official road sign
or traffic control device punishable by fine and/or imprisonment.

So, presumably, if this was a sign not punishable by fine and/or imprisonment, then you could mess with it all you want. But, still, the question is raised:

Just what exactly is a "sign punishable by fine and/or imprisonment" anyway?

Punctuation and grammar. It's the difference between Let's eat, Grandma! and Let's eat Grandma!

[pdx] More North Portland Street Name Changes - Rowdy Roddy Piper, Tonya Harding?!

2373.

The street-naming juggernaut rolls on in Portland, taking in several north-side streets at once & welcome, N Jaime Escalante Av, N Tonya Harding Av & N Rowdy R. Piper Av???

More at the Portland Sentinel.

This must be stopped. Or something.

No unicorns though.

Technorati Tags: PDX, April Fool, Prankery, PDX Geography, PDX Street Blades, Street Blade Gallery

[design] Diagrammed: Are You A Geek, Dork, Dweeb, Or Nerd

2364.

As someone who considers themselves and Alpha Geek of longstanding (at least I am in this household) I found this Venn diagram (by way of BoingBoing, who take none of my linky suggestions, but I love them anyway) more than intriguing. From the "Wish I'd Of Thought Of This One" Dept:

Venn diagrams are nifty. You don't have to know what they are but the communicate. For instance, in most of my passions, I consider myself passing intelligent as unequivocally obsessed and in social situations I can be quite the butterfly, so I see myself as a Geek. This is also not considered a pejorative around here.

• Visit and Read: The post at sed contra that explains it all, and give props to the diagram's creator: http://matthewwmason.wordpress.com/2009/09/22/dweeb-dork-geek-or-nerd/

Technorati Tags: design, graphic design, diagrams, teh funnay, design humor, geek humor

[design] Photoshop Interface Refrigerator Magnets

2363.

(via BitRebels) Aw, yeah, you just know these are going to be awesome. Not screen shots, but high-quality prints of panels from the Photoshop UI that are magnets, and can go on your office walls – but I think they should go on your refrigerator, in case some of your friends don't know you're a designer and need to figure it out:

Yeah, they look awesome. They even have the spinning beach-ball'o'death and screentop menu bars.

• $25.00, at Meninos, here: http://www.meninos.us/products.php?product=Ps-Magnet-Kit#

Technorati Tags: Photoshop, graphic design toys, design toys, design swag

[design] Your Browser As Transportation

2362.

Yes, it's another one of those "If your X was a Y, here's what it would look like" charts, but unlike most of the ones you might see today, this one is served distinctly on wry, with a side of sarcasm.

Firefox, MSIE, Opera, Safari, Google Chrome – nobody's spared a snide yet on-target insight. Funny!

• Clicky this link to see it embiggened at at Clementine's Reflectionsof.me Posterous blog: http://reflectionof.me/browsers-and-transportation-0

(the IE brand on the dead horse had me LOL. And I love the Firefox, but the comment about the multiplicty of add-ons – dead on target. Artwork is immaculate, too.)

Technorati Tags: Web Browsers, graphic humor, design humor, teh funnay