16 December 2007

[liff] 21 December 2012: The Truth Revealed

1188. We recently found ourselves cogitating on the fixation amongst some people with the date 21.12.2007 (remember, we write our dates in the Commonwealth style around here) and have to admit that we still Just Don't Get It a bit. I mean, sure, the Long Count wraps around on that day, but we don't think that's anything really more than coincidence–after all, it's based on cycles, and cycles have this way of wrapping around. It's what they do.

Of course, we've always been impressed the way the years always end on schedule 31 December, and moreover, the calendars always get the day right! We mean, what are the odds, neh?

Others aren't happy until they learn the deeper meanings. Here at the Times we are lucky people indeed, because we have our local philosopher king, general insurgent and occasional sixth columnist Episkopos "Half'a'buck" Dharma KSC to deliver us what we take to the the Official Deeper Meanings, which we read, consider, and forget as we return to teaching our cat how to type.

As it happens, he, too, has been meditating on the sun stone and has done all the hard work for us. After making himself a German chocolate cake and leaving the bowl in the sink for us to clean up (as is his wont), he left us a list. The ol' Episkopos says the following reasons are why 21.12.12 is important:

  • Rick Springfield will finally discover where he can find a woman like Jesse's Girl. Regrettably, being 63 years old, he will be arrested when an innocent contact with good intentions is mistaken for stalking.
  • Neil Diamond will get that chair a hearing aid; it ignores him anyway.
  • Paul Harvey will peek out of his simulacrum and, seeing his shadow, will thus augur a minimum of ten more years of David Reinhard columns.
  • We will find out who actually wrote the Book of Love (it isn't who we thought. And certainly not Pat Boone)
  • Victor Boc will finally find a regular radio gig.
  • The Coast Starlight will finally arrive on time at Union Station, but just once.
  • Lindsay Lohan will sober up.
  • An aging Steve Miller will have to have is pompatus of love removed.
  • Bob Ross, American Legend will open to rave reviews at MOMO.
  • The photons stocked up during all those years of Daylight Savings Time will overflow the bin we've been keeping them in.
  • We find out how many roads a man must walk down before we can call him a man.
  • Finally we find out what is really in falafel.
  • It will be revealed who Carly Simon was singing about in "You're So Vain". It will be Vain Vainman McVainson.
  • We will be busier than a one-armed man wallpaper hanger at a wallpaper hanging convention doing a demo whilst shaking hands.
  • Bob Dylan: He's not here.
  • Dave? Dave's not here either, man.
  • Sticks will still Nix Hick Pix, so no change there.
  • Lars Larson will stop making sense ... no, wait, that's now.
  • You will get everything you want at Alice's Restaurant (exceptin' Alice).
  • Jeff Gianola will still be anchoring the KOIN News ... or presiding as Portland mayor ("The Oracle's a little unclear on that one, saith the Episkopos")
  • The big craze: O-Zone tribute bands. Gear up your "Numa Numa"s.
  • Short skirt, Long jacket: compulsory. For everyone.
An interesting array of cosmic changes, indeed. But what, we asked his Dharmaness, about the way the Aztecs just happened to end that calendar on 21.12.12?

"Lucky guess," saith himself himself. "Those Aztecs were really just posers anyway."

And so it goes.

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