- Aries (21 March-19 April) : Erudition can turn away rack and ruin. Too bad you dropped out of school in fifth grade. Expect the unexpected ... for instance, being employed as monosodium glutamate somewhere (who saw that one coming?).
- Taurus (20 April-20 May) : You are tops in reading, writing and arithmetic ... you smug bastard. Late in the week, you will meet a tall, dark stranger. He will throttle you to death.
- Gemini (21 May-20 June) : Use your brains! You make a better door than a window! Your romantic desires and needs are extremely funny, and that's all the stars have to say about that.
- Dwayne (22 June, 10:30 AM to 3 PM, odd minutes only) : Your application to join the BPOE? Rejected. Sorry.
- Cancer (21 June-22 July) : Envision winning. Picture exactly how you'd like your week to end. Got it? Good. Enjoy your third shift security job on Saturday and Sunday, because that's how it's actually going to work out. Try not to be too bitter. You will meet a tall, dark stranger, who will throttle you to death.
- Leo (23 July-22 August) : The stars thought you were going to win the lottery ... but then remembered your sign has a dorky name, so they gave it to Taurus, whose name sounds like one of them hot alien chicks in Star Trek.
- Virgo (23 August-22 Sept) : The face you show to the world tells the world how to treat you. The stars indicate you should seriously consider plastic surgery. We say go for it.
- The Duke (23 Sept, 7 PM Eastern, 8 PM Pacific, in odd years lacking a Q) : Slap some bacon on a biscuit and lets go! We're burning daylight!
- Libra (23 Sept-22 Oct) : Dude!
- Scorpio (23 Oct-21 Nov) : Important people close to you inspire you to be a better person, but you've always been kind of snotty, so you'll ignore them as you usually do. You will meet a tall, dark stranger, who will throttle you to death.
- Sagittarius (22 Nov-21 Dec) : Look, it's bad enough that you have the upper body of a human and the lower body of a horse, and on top of that you carry a crossbow? Write you a horoscope? You're lucky we don't run your backside out of town, freak.
- Capricorn (22 Dec-19 Jan) : Check out Sagittarius's horoscope. You're even worse. Take the hint. And we still haven't forgiven you for that fake mission to Mars.
- Aquarius (20 Jan-18 Feb) : While your skills at math and gaming are without peer, the fact that you are a video game/computer console only produced by Mattel Electronics for four months in 1983 has severely limited your career options to hanging out on a shelf at a Goodwill just waiting for some ironic collector to pick up for 1/20th of the original price. Your speech at the Democratic National Convention will come off as awkward, complicated by the fact that you weren't invited to make one.
- Pisces (19 Feb-20 Mar) : You enjoy working for scale. You are a tall, dark stranger with a penchant for strangling people. You will need to find space for three bodies this week, most likely those of Taurus, Cancer, and Scorpio. But you didn't hear that here.
- IF THE 25TH OF AUGUST IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: You are a newborn and couldn't possibly be reading this. Beats us how you're accomplishing that.
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